


Security

by marrieddorks



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Character Bleed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 06:57:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5238731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marrieddorks/pseuds/marrieddorks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's memories of torture and the Cage are really taking their toll on Jared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Security

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at a point where this is what I need in life, so I wrote this in hopes of living vicariously through it. Luckily, Jared seems to be doing okay right now, which is super important <3

The moment the door to Jared’s trailer finally closed, the forced smile slid off his face. He was drained. These last few days had been some of the hardest, filming-wise, in so long. Sam’s headspace was not a good one; the Cage was utterly daunting. It was one thing to play Sam coming back from Hell, but to act out the torture and the remembrance of that torture was taking its toll on Jared’s own psyche. 

He had done well at hiding it so far – being an actor did have its advantages – but he could only keep it up so much longer. His breaking point was inching closer. 

Slumping down into a chair, Jared let his head fall back, lightly thumping against the wall. He tried to focus on his breathing and his heart rate, the rhythmic sounds allowing him to get lost and away from the rest of the world. That didn’t last long, however, as there was a knocking on the door and a voice going, “Five minutes until set, Jared.” He kept his eyes closed, suddenly aware of the pounding just in the front of his head as though his brain was trying to break through and escape his very thoughts and before he knew it the pinprick of tears began to sting behind his eyes. 

“Hey, Jay, we gotta go,” came Jensen’s voice, startling Jared so much that he rushed to sit up, hair falling in his face, eyes wide, and legs jerking like a newborn fawn. Pushing his hair out of the way, he cleared his throat and stood up, hoping to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

“Yeah, let’s go,” he choked out and straightened his clothes. He tried to walk by Jensen with confidence, but a rough hand wrapped around his forearm, stopping him in his tracks. By instinct, he looked directly at Jensen and immediately regretted it. 

Jensen was always able to look right through him, just as he was always able to look through Jensen. It was both a blessing and a curse. 

“Jay, what’s wrong?” Jared wanted to curse under his breath, wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, but instead those tears, which had only been stinging the corners of his eyes, began to fall. There wasn’t much time to dwell on that though because he was suddenly pulled into a strong embrace, a callused hand at the back of his neck and an arm around his midsection. He sucked in his bottom lip, trying to keep its quivering at bay as well as the sobs threatening to tear their way from his throat, and sunk into Jensen’s arms. “We can be out of here and on our way home in under ten minutes, Jared. I’m serious.” 

“No,” he sniffled, his voice sounding weak and vulnerable and he hated himself even more for it. “I can make it through the rest of the day. We only have – what? – two scenes left?” 

“Yeah, but you know as well as I do that two scenes can take anywhere from one hour to five.” A silence took over for a moment before Jensen was moving and Jared wanted to whine at the loss of his comfort.

“Where are you going?”

“To tell Tim that we’re leaving. Wednesday of next week was supposed to be a short day anyway so we’ll just push these scenes back until Monday,” Jensen explained. 

“But –“ Jared started to argue, feeling a pit opening in his stomach at inconveniencing everyone. 

“It’ll be fine. I promise,” Jensen said gently. “I’ll be right back, okay?” 

xxx

The ride home was quiet. Vancouver was beginning to get cold and the nighttime was bitter and rainy. Jared couldn’t make that dark cloud go away and leaving set early only seemed to have made it worse. He could feel Jensen’s eyes flitting to look at him, but he refused to look back. He wouldn’t cry again.

They finally reached the apartment, waved to their driver, and trudged inside, only to be greeted by two dogs, nails clacking on the wooden floor. Jared managed his first real smile as they pattered up, excited to have he and Jensen home, and he leaned down to scratch behind their ears.

“You guys hungry?” he asked quietly, already moving to where the dog food was stored.

“I got it, Jay,” Jensen started. 

“No. I want to do it,” Jared said as he looked down at the dogs’ eager faces. 

“Okay,” Jensen sighed. “But please come to bed soon.”

“I will. I promise.” 

It took him about ten minutes to feed and let the dogs outside – he didn’t worry about playing with them as their dog sitter ran them plenty throughout the day – and he walked back to the bedroom, shedding his beanie and jacket along the way. Jensen was already lying in the center of the bed, wearing a thin t-shirt and lounge pants. He looked comfortable and like home and Jared managed his second real smile of the day. 

“You’re gonna have to scoot over,” he said as he rummaged through the drawers to pull out his own soft pair of lounge pants. He always slept shirtless as his body-heat was at levels beyond a normal human and he would die of heatstroke if he slept constricted by the fabric. 

“Nope. ‘m not moving. Guess you’re just gonna have to lay right here,” came Jensen’s reply and Jared watched as he tapped gently at his own chest. Jared let out a sigh, feeling that pit in his stomach start to untwist for the first time in a while.

This was a sort of unspoken thing between them. Jared never felt safer than when he was in Jensen’s arms, surrounded fully by his comfortable presence. It began in season three, when Jared’s depression really took a toll on him. He just collapsed next to Jensen one day whilst in their trailers and woke up to find himself lying on Jensen’s chest. Ever since that day this was their position of security. This was Jensen’s way of reminding Jared that he was always here and that Jared was loved. 

After pulling on his sleep pants, Jared turned off the light and slowly made his way to the bed. He felt with his right hand until it met the mattress, before sliding his long body in the space of Jensen’s legs. He pulled himself up further with his hands until his head softly bumped Jensen’s chin. Then he settled, arms circling Jensen’s waist until they met one another behind his back and his head nuzzled into that soft tee, just at the center of Jensen’s chest. 

It took a few minutes for him to make his mind stop whirling, but once he did he could really focus on Jensen’s heartbeat. It was strong and sure beneath layers of skin, muscle, and bone, and the sound was so great because it meant that Jensen was here right now with him. He was here, he was okay, and he was here for Jared. That same callused hand from earlier was dancing its way across his back, rubbing soothing circles in his warmed skin and he melted into the feeling.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, Jay.” Jensen’s deep timbre echoed in the silent room. Jared only nodded, his cheek rubbing against the fabric of Jensen’s t-shirt.

“There’s not much to say,” he began, his voice sounding tired. “I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. And I fucking hate it. I hate it so much, Jensen. I hate feeling like I need to crawl out of my own skin. I hate feeling so worthless. I hate feeling like a disappointment. And I hate it so much more because nothing has happened to make me feel this way. I just do.” 

“You have to know that none of that is true,” Jensen started after a moment. “Everything you’re feeling is a goddamn lie.” 

“I know that, logically. But try telling my brain that. It’s not gonna make it stop telling me that like a broken record.” Silence dropped its curtain once again and Jensen’s hand moved its way from Jared’s back to his hair, carding through the thick tresses. 

“Well, I’m here. And I’m going to be here no matter how long it takes to make your brain realize that you’re anything but worthless. You’re my entire world.” 

“No, I’m not.”

“I guess that is a lie. You and JJ and Tom and Shep are my entire world and my entire world would be incomplete – would be shattered – without you in it.” 

Jensen’s hand in his hair was always a guaranteed way to make him sleepy and, despite the emotions spiraling in his chest, tonight was no exception. He could feel his eyes getting heavier by the second and, along with that, he could feel his stomach untwist a little more.

No, he was by no means going to be well again by tomorrow or even the next day or even next week. But having Jensen here – having him so supportive and so intent on reminding him how important he truly was – was a start on that road. And he knew that with Jensen by his side there was no ‘if,’ but just a ‘when.’


End file.
